During my first year in Africa, I have been told on several occasions that I am more accommodating than most expats. One example is that I don't make a fuss if a driver is 10 minutes late or have a less than pristine car. Service is EVERYWHERE in Nairobi, and basic service is pretty decent here as far as taxi...etc. small things go! So technically, if someone is not prompt, there are many others waiting in line to serve and take my money. I have been told by other expats that I shouldn't tolerate that, but I guess unless I really need to get somewhere, I didn't find a reason to make a big deal, well, except to assert "I'm the client, you're the service provider" power dynamic. For whatever reason, I just haven't felt the need to do that! I've dealt with way more difficult/annoying situations that a lot of things just seems pretty minor and tolerable at this point. The only time I felt the need to assert myself was when I was in India and in Turkey because people are generally more aggressive and almost intruding into my personal space. But in Kenya, I found most people very easy-going, and the people I work with are not really "lazy"...they may be joggling multiple jobs and could get caught in the horrible traffic on the way, but the tardiness usually was the result of poor planning (re: Africa time), not malicious intention to take advantage of me....at least, this was my impression...I could be wrong...and to me, while not ideal, those are fairly acceptable excuses. Perhaps I have set my expectation too low...am I being "too" nice or not demanding enough? I was warned that people will take advantage of your "niceness" if you let them, but somehow I just have trouble with anything that resembles a "master-servant" relationship...
At what point does "being nice" turn into "being a doormat" and losing respect?
My more affluent African colleagues have advised that if you are being too "nice", the boss-subordinate relationship quickly becomes blurred, and trouble will soon follow as people quickly begin to believe they are indispensable...why else would you be so nice to them? Once that mindset begin to take place, they start to show up late and slack off (because they know you won't reprehend them in any way)...it's a bit like disciplining a child, only that it's an adult that you're dealing with and the normal Western view is to treat them as equals, and assume they know what's "right" and what's "wrong"...
I think perhaps the later assumption of Africans (especially less educated ones) have the same definition of what's "right" and what's "wrong" as the "westerners" is erroneous. Over the course of my time here, I've observed that what's right and what's wrong is actually a fairly fluid concept. And for the most part, what's going to give me pleasure and pride now is the right thing. For a taxi driver, it is "right" to rush between 2 jobs even if it means that one client could be waiting for long if traffic is bad (which it almost certainly will be) because this is the way to make more money. For an employee, it is more "right" to sit in the office twiddling his/her thumbs vs. going out in the field and make things happen, because he gets paid the same anyway, so why put unnecessary strain to oneself? Life is too short to be wasted on uncomfortable and un-glamorous work!
So when you think you're being "nice" and making compromises, perhaps that's not how others are perceiving it? Maybe they think that's the norm? And why is it so important that other recognize I'm being "nice" anyway?
I've learned that being nice or not, it's important to #1: set boundaries. People become doormats when there is no boundaries. I am OK when someone is late if I'm going somewhere on my own, but NOT when I'm going to a business meeting. I make that clear and create huge drama when someone is late taking me to a business meeting just so the point is made. #2: consistency is key. Only through a consistent message can one create habit and drive behavioral change. This is not the most flattering comparison, but it's kind of like training a dog! (after all, we're all creatures of habit). With that said, the only way one CAN be consistent is when one has drawn a clear mental line of boundary and be serious about it, so point #1 is still most important. #3: create meaningful consequences. People will only take you seriously and change their behaviors when there are consequences. Pure yelling can only get you so far. Understand what people care about and what they cannot stand to lose is key to put in place a meaningful and effective consequence to drive the desired behavior. I haven't done so well in #3, it's something that takes time & energy to figure out, and usually at the heat of the moment, figuring out what motivates someone isn't my number one priority, expressing my anger is. But perhaps with better discipline and self-control, I can be more effective in this area!
My more affluent African colleagues have advised that if you are being too "nice", the boss-subordinate relationship quickly becomes blurred, and trouble will soon follow as people quickly begin to believe they are indispensable...why else would you be so nice to them? Once that mindset begin to take place, they start to show up late and slack off (because they know you won't reprehend them in any way)...it's a bit like disciplining a child, only that it's an adult that you're dealing with and the normal Western view is to treat them as equals, and assume they know what's "right" and what's "wrong"...
I think perhaps the later assumption of Africans (especially less educated ones) have the same definition of what's "right" and what's "wrong" as the "westerners" is erroneous. Over the course of my time here, I've observed that what's right and what's wrong is actually a fairly fluid concept. And for the most part, what's going to give me pleasure and pride now is the right thing. For a taxi driver, it is "right" to rush between 2 jobs even if it means that one client could be waiting for long if traffic is bad (which it almost certainly will be) because this is the way to make more money. For an employee, it is more "right" to sit in the office twiddling his/her thumbs vs. going out in the field and make things happen, because he gets paid the same anyway, so why put unnecessary strain to oneself? Life is too short to be wasted on uncomfortable and un-glamorous work!
So when you think you're being "nice" and making compromises, perhaps that's not how others are perceiving it? Maybe they think that's the norm? And why is it so important that other recognize I'm being "nice" anyway?
I've learned that being nice or not, it's important to #1: set boundaries. People become doormats when there is no boundaries. I am OK when someone is late if I'm going somewhere on my own, but NOT when I'm going to a business meeting. I make that clear and create huge drama when someone is late taking me to a business meeting just so the point is made. #2: consistency is key. Only through a consistent message can one create habit and drive behavioral change. This is not the most flattering comparison, but it's kind of like training a dog! (after all, we're all creatures of habit). With that said, the only way one CAN be consistent is when one has drawn a clear mental line of boundary and be serious about it, so point #1 is still most important. #3: create meaningful consequences. People will only take you seriously and change their behaviors when there are consequences. Pure yelling can only get you so far. Understand what people care about and what they cannot stand to lose is key to put in place a meaningful and effective consequence to drive the desired behavior. I haven't done so well in #3, it's something that takes time & energy to figure out, and usually at the heat of the moment, figuring out what motivates someone isn't my number one priority, expressing my anger is. But perhaps with better discipline and self-control, I can be more effective in this area!
No comments:
Post a Comment