My friend recently shared this funny article on Facebook... How to show Nigerian love | Daily Times Nigeria . While the article was written as a satire, it was pretty close to how most relationships work in Nigeria, and may I even dare to say, how relationships work in most of Africa.
Coming from the perspective of a fairly westernized woman, I find the respect & privileges African men enjoy from women in the society largely undeserved. It is expected that women fulfill their traditional role of cooking and taking care of the children. To me, that's fine as long as there's some sort of fair division of labor in the household. However, what I've observed is despite of the fact that women are taking up the house chores, the men are not necessarily expected to step up to their part and provide for the family! I see plenty of Nigerian men who dresses well every morning but sits around doing nothing all day. It's their wives that go out to find money for the family (in addition to their normal wifely duties of course). These women get money from various odd jobs around, and some end up finding another "honey" that can provide for her (and her husband). Whether this is a "fair" arrangement for the women or not aside, the phenomenon just seem to be completely contradictory to what one would expect from a deeply Christian society. In fact, the standard and expectation for a man is so low that when an African woman finds a man who actually fulfill his so-called "duties", she seems to hang on to him so tight as though her life depend on it, and this man can now do whatever he wishes! No matter how many other woman he is fooling around with, no matter what other naughty things he is doing, it seems as though as long as the man puts food on the table, pays his children's school fees, and (as a bonus) send the family for vacation every now and then, all sins can be forgiven / overlooked. On the contrary, if a woman does not cook and make her men happy, she could be condemned by both men and women in the community.
During my time in Africa, I have been "propositioned" by a number of married men (sometimes even people I have an on-going professional relationship with). They will outright tell you how much they love their family, their kids, and how nice a wife he has...BUT, he is still entitled to fool around. And when I not-so-subtly rejected them, they don't really appear to feel bad about propositioning you to begin with. This was surprising for such a Christian society where supposedly "adultery" is condemned. There seem to be a mental separation between sexual relationship, the marriage institution, and the obligations that is associated with being a husband / father. OR could it be the result of generation and generations of polygamy, and this idea that men have "needs" and it's important that they are satisfied. I wonder if the reason why society seem to accept extra marital affair / polygamy as "norm"? Is it because the society is mainly run by men? OR is it because of the difficulty for women to make a living independently that they default to their basic requirement of seeking a mate that can protect and provide thus have to put up with whatever comes with? Perhaps marriage at the end of the day really serves a much more practical & economic purpose, and Hollywood actually did a disservice to the western society by creating the illusion that marriage is based on this "enduring one and only love", a false expectation that's bound to be disappointed?
As a side note, it's quite interesting to see the spectrum of how women are treated across the world. On one extreme, you have situation like in Afghanistan, where women are treated like dirt and property. In the middle, you have in Africa and parts of Asia, the quiet acceptance of male infidelity / dominance as described. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have women in the US, who feel free to demand equal partnership, and can choose to walk away when things aren't fair. It's curious though that we have not yet seen a situation where the women have gained so much power and starting to dominate / mistreat the men of the society.
Coming from the perspective of a fairly westernized woman, I find the respect & privileges African men enjoy from women in the society largely undeserved. It is expected that women fulfill their traditional role of cooking and taking care of the children. To me, that's fine as long as there's some sort of fair division of labor in the household. However, what I've observed is despite of the fact that women are taking up the house chores, the men are not necessarily expected to step up to their part and provide for the family! I see plenty of Nigerian men who dresses well every morning but sits around doing nothing all day. It's their wives that go out to find money for the family (in addition to their normal wifely duties of course). These women get money from various odd jobs around, and some end up finding another "honey" that can provide for her (and her husband). Whether this is a "fair" arrangement for the women or not aside, the phenomenon just seem to be completely contradictory to what one would expect from a deeply Christian society. In fact, the standard and expectation for a man is so low that when an African woman finds a man who actually fulfill his so-called "duties", she seems to hang on to him so tight as though her life depend on it, and this man can now do whatever he wishes! No matter how many other woman he is fooling around with, no matter what other naughty things he is doing, it seems as though as long as the man puts food on the table, pays his children's school fees, and (as a bonus) send the family for vacation every now and then, all sins can be forgiven / overlooked. On the contrary, if a woman does not cook and make her men happy, she could be condemned by both men and women in the community.
During my time in Africa, I have been "propositioned" by a number of married men (sometimes even people I have an on-going professional relationship with). They will outright tell you how much they love their family, their kids, and how nice a wife he has...BUT, he is still entitled to fool around. And when I not-so-subtly rejected them, they don't really appear to feel bad about propositioning you to begin with. This was surprising for such a Christian society where supposedly "adultery" is condemned. There seem to be a mental separation between sexual relationship, the marriage institution, and the obligations that is associated with being a husband / father. OR could it be the result of generation and generations of polygamy, and this idea that men have "needs" and it's important that they are satisfied. I wonder if the reason why society seem to accept extra marital affair / polygamy as "norm"? Is it because the society is mainly run by men? OR is it because of the difficulty for women to make a living independently that they default to their basic requirement of seeking a mate that can protect and provide thus have to put up with whatever comes with? Perhaps marriage at the end of the day really serves a much more practical & economic purpose, and Hollywood actually did a disservice to the western society by creating the illusion that marriage is based on this "enduring one and only love", a false expectation that's bound to be disappointed?
Asa's Subway is one beautifully written song that exemplifies what many women feels when it comes to relationship
As a side note, it's quite interesting to see the spectrum of how women are treated across the world. On one extreme, you have situation like in Afghanistan, where women are treated like dirt and property. In the middle, you have in Africa and parts of Asia, the quiet acceptance of male infidelity / dominance as described. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have women in the US, who feel free to demand equal partnership, and can choose to walk away when things aren't fair. It's curious though that we have not yet seen a situation where the women have gained so much power and starting to dominate / mistreat the men of the society.
