Can One "Live" on Charisma?

Working with d.light has given me a chance to take a peek through the keyhole into the start up world.  It's a fascinating space with quite a lot of interesting characters!  What really intrigued me though, is this idea of "serial entrepreneurs".  There are so many of them!!  Certainly quite a number of them have accomplished a lot, but I've also observed a large amount who live quite well with investor money and jump from one project to another without really achieving anything substantial.  Their supposed past "success" are often indicated by the size (revenue) of their business, but the thing is, you can have a decent size business while still making a loss (for the investor) or the revenue could be unsustainable, which, in all my past education / training, wouldn't put a business like that in the "success" category.

What is so intriguing to me is that "jumping from job to job" typically is frown upon in the corporate world because it means you are not good at any of the job or has itchy feet (i.e. unreliable)...however, being a serial entrepreneur and "jumping from venture to venture" seems to be something embraced in the start up circle.  If you jump from one job to another int he corporate world, you possibly will get stuck at a level eventually and couldn't move on.  But if you jump from one failed venture to another as an entrepreneur, you're tagged as experienced and get speaking engagements.  Such a drastic contract on how the same behavior is received in 2 different world!

One thing I did notice about serial entrepreneurs is their charisma.  They are usually extremely articulate and powerful public speakers who exude passion and confidence.  They can make a vegetarian believe that going to Fogo de Chao might be a good choice for lunch spot and give Chinese parent hope that their straight C daughter has a chance to become a doctor!

I recall from years back hearing some friends in the investor circle and organizations like Ashoka say that they place strong emphasis on the founders & a bit of a gut sometimes when they choose whom they'll invest in (especially for early stage ventures).  While there is undeniably a correlation between strong leadership and business success, I wonder if there is a risk to potentially put too much emphasis on the founders and let one's "gut" be led astray by a nice pitch?  I mean, I wonder how many investors have mistaken charisma for leadership and end up the unexpected sponsor of someone's hobby / business education for 5 year without getting any returns?  I'd be really curious to get the thoughts of those who are in this space either as an entrepreneur or an investor!! (after all, I've only seen about 1% of this world and it can hardly be representative of what's REALLY going on!)

Either way, developing good charisma seems to be a good investment of time for anyone, serial entrepreneur or not.  Here's some tips on the rules of charisma from the book ‘The Charisma Myth’:
• Be present. Give people your full attention. If your mind wanders, refocus by concentrating on physical sensations, like your breathing.
• Exude power and warmth. Adopt a powerful posture (wide stance, straight back, broad shoulders) and cultivate warmth by focusing on three things you like about the other person.
• Accept introversion. If you’re naturally shy, “warm up” before important interactions – visualise moments when you felt confident, or listen to mood-boosting music.
• Be vulnerable. There’s a fine line between charismatic and intimidating. Encourage a human connection with someone by revealing a weakness or sharing an embarrassing secret.
• It’s all in the voice. Create an air of confidence by speaking in a measured tempo and lowering your intonation at the end of sentences. Increasing the warmth in your voice is even easier: just smile.

Does polygamy promote happy marriage?

While in Senegal for a conference, I got pulled into perhaps not the most bizarre but certainly the most unexpected situation.  Being my first time in Dakar, I wanted to stay an extra day to explore the town.  My 40-or-so year old local translator was kind enough to offer his mom's home for 2 nights, so that I don't have to couchsurf with random people (which is a strange and unacceptable arrangement in his view).   I was under the impression that he had a wife back in Canada but has been since separated; he also talked about a girlfriend and how he's not ready to marry her yet.  To my surprise, when I showed up at his mom's apartment, I realized that he is married to a 24 year old lady.  She was super nice and has a very kind heart, but a few minutes into our meeting, I sense something is not right.  

"Oh, she's jealous" he said..."he thinks I want to take you as my 2nd wife." 

"OK, well, tell her that I'm not in the market to be anything but a first wife, so nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, I know, she's silly, I'll talk to her"

So after a number of "family meetings" between him, the wife, and his mom, the wife came out, continue to be cordial, and made me a lovely meal.

"See, isn't she nice? She loves me that's why she cooked you such a nice meal"

"Yeah, this is lovely, thank you so much!" .. the meal was indeed delicious, but I was feeling extremely awkward

Next day, further drama ensued... my entire tourist plan was overturned because she didn't want to join and it is scandalous to go alone with her husband.  So after much negotiation, I was allowed to go out on my own.  When I return in the evening, it's obvious some air need to be cleared.  

"I hope you feel better, I don't want to cause any trouble or misunderstanding, I'm not going to be your husband's 2nd wife... I have a boyfriend at home (lie)" I said

"No, it's OK, it's better that it's you vs. some Senegalese women, you guys should have gone w/o me!" she replied

"..." Why is this such a negotiation? Didn't I already declare that I'm NOT interested?

Next day, I asked my friend..."So, when do you plan on taking a 2nd wife? you just got married? Why is this topic on the mind so quickly?" ... "I will take a 2nd wife when you accept"... WHAT?! I thought we've made that cleared!  "You guys are clearly madly in love and can't get your hands off each other, why are you thinking about a 2nd wife so soon? (PS: I'm NOT interested)"  "Well, it's good to have that option open.  Sometimes woman bring trouble and if you have another option, they behave better, it's good for marriage.  Plus, I will have my wives live in separate places, so they can't fight or anything.  She doesn't have to see me when she's mad at me, and vice versa.  "

This is the 2nd time I've heard the argument that polygamy is "good for marriage".  First time in Kenya, this time in Senegal.  I suppose when polygamy is an option, people (the woman) are willing to "put up" with more and control their emotion better to delay the arrival of future wives and also to maintain a favorable status of the man.  In West Africa (unlike Kenya), the good thing is that the men also feel a strong sense of responsibility for their various wives, and are proud to be able to provide for as many wives as possible...It didn't seem like it's ONLY about having a prettier, younger lady toy to satisfy their needs and vanity...and the woman generally do seem pretty accepting of the tradition and genuinely happy.

Taking this home to the US, programs like the Sister Wives shows a similar picture.  Happy women, sharing a husband, respectfully...much more civilized than what one would see from The Real Housewives series. Sure, feelings of jealousy is there, but these women seem to deal with it much better and more maturely than the monogamous couples who have this endless fear of infidelity.

So I can't help but wonder, why do we (those who grew up in a western-minded society) believe polygamy is so bad?  Where did this idea of monogamy come from?  What social purpose does it fulfill (except perhaps population control and avoidance of inheritance disputes)?  Is monogamy a moral issue or are we simply following the social norm subconsciously?  

To my surprise, polygamy is actually more common than I had expected!  Anthropologists say 83 percent of societies permitted polygyny, and just 17 percent insisted on monogamous marriage.   According to the Ethnographic Atlas Codebook, of 1,231 societies noted, 186 were monogamous. 453 had occasional polygyny, 588 had more frequent polygyny, and 4 had polyandry.  So, those of us monogamous kind might actually consider a paradigm shift and re-evaluate the idea that monogamy is a more "advanced" or "superior" way of life, and perhaps begin to take a more open view of polygamy as a different way of life and a personal choice?  What do you think?

For a fun read, check out The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wive, a well-written, entertaining piece of work talking about the lives of a polygamous Nigerian family.

True love, African style...

My friend recently shared this funny article on Facebook... How to show Nigerian love | Daily Times Nigeria . While the article was written as a satire, it was pretty close to how most relationships work in Nigeria, and may I even dare to say, how relationships work in most of Africa.

Coming from the perspective of a fairly westernized woman, I find the respect & privileges African men enjoy from women in the society largely undeserved.  It is expected that women fulfill their traditional role of cooking and taking care of the children.  To me, that's fine  as long as there's some sort of fair division of labor in the household.  However, what I've observed is despite of the fact that women are taking up the house chores, the men are not necessarily expected to step up to their part and provide for the family!  I see plenty of Nigerian men who dresses well every morning but sits around doing nothing all day.  It's their wives that go out to find money for the family (in addition to their normal wifely duties of course).  These women get money from various odd jobs around, and some end up finding another "honey" that can provide for her (and her husband).  Whether this is a "fair" arrangement for the women or not aside, the phenomenon just seem to be completely contradictory to what one would expect from a deeply Christian society.  In fact, the standard and expectation for a man is so low that when an African woman finds a man who actually fulfill his so-called "duties", she seems to hang on to him so tight as though her life depend on it, and this man can now do whatever he wishes!  No matter how many other woman he is fooling around with, no matter what other naughty things he is doing, it seems as though as long as the man puts food on the table, pays his children's school fees, and (as a bonus) send the family for vacation every now and then, all sins can be forgiven / overlooked.  On the contrary, if a woman does not cook and make her men happy, she could be condemned by both men and women in the community.

During my time in Africa, I have been "propositioned" by a number of married men (sometimes even people I have an on-going professional relationship with).  They will outright tell you how much they love their family, their kids, and how nice a wife he has...BUT, he is still entitled to fool around.  And when I not-so-subtly rejected them, they don't really appear to feel bad about propositioning you to begin with. This was surprising for such a Christian society where supposedly "adultery" is condemned.  There seem to be a mental separation between sexual relationship, the marriage institution, and the obligations that is associated with being a husband / father.  OR could it be the result of generation and generations of polygamy, and this idea that men have "needs" and it's important that they are satisfied.  I wonder if the reason why society seem to accept extra marital affair / polygamy as "norm"?  Is it because the society is mainly run by men?  OR is it because of the difficulty for women to make a living independently that they default to their basic requirement of seeking a mate that can protect and provide thus have to put up with whatever comes with?  Perhaps marriage at the end of the day really serves a much more practical & economic purpose, and Hollywood actually did a disservice to the western society by creating the illusion that marriage is based on this "enduring one and only love", a false expectation that's bound to be disappointed?

Asa's Subway is one beautifully written song that exemplifies what many women feels when it comes to relationship

As a side note, it's quite interesting to see the spectrum of how women are treated across the world. On one extreme, you have situation like in Afghanistan, where women are treated like dirt and property.  In the middle, you have in Africa and parts of Asia, the quiet acceptance of male infidelity / dominance as described. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have women in the US, who feel free to demand equal partnership, and can choose to walk away when things aren't fair.  It's curious though that we have not yet seen a situation where the women have gained so much power and starting to dominate / mistreat the men of the society.

Funny Names Nigerians Give to Their Children

Nigerian names are very interesting, and they never cease to amuse me...these are some names of people I've actually met

• Nice (who's that over there? That's Nice..ah, very NICE!)
• Gift
• Promise
• Blessing
• Innocent (What's your name, where were you when the murder occurred?  I'm Innocent, I'm innocent!)
• Bright (Hello, I'm bright!  well, let's see about that!...heehee)
• Goodluck (see Goodluck Jonathan, the current Nigerian president)
• Thankgod (name of one of my taxi driver, puts a whole new meaning to "ThankGod, You're here!")
• and...let's not forget  Sunday, Monday, Saturday

Do you have something for me?

"Do you have something for me?" is a phrase that I'm slowly getting used in Nigeria.  For my most recently trip, it feels as though I hear it as often as "how was your night" and "good morning, ma'am".

Upon arrival, I was stopped by the custom, he asks me what do I do, I said, "I'm trying to bring solar lantern to Nigerians", he said "Do you have a light for me?" I  politely explain "I don't bring product with me, we have product at XYZ shops in Lagos if you are interested in buying"...He then said, "OK, that's OK, I want to do business with you and make money", so I explain that I will take his contact and have someone call him.  Our entire conversation had probably 5% relevance to his day job as a custom officer, and 95% relevance to how he can get something out of this interaction.

Then comes the health inspector, wanting to check my yellow fever card, I show him my card, everything is set, he gave it back to me, and said "Do you have something for me?"... "No, I don't"... "OK, carry on"...this was easier than I thought it would be.

Then a couple days later, I hired a taxi to take me to a business meeting.  On the way back, during the 30-minute car ride, he asked me "Will you buy a car for me?" "No"... "Will you take me to America with me?" "no, and you shouldn't be asking me that because you have a wife and 5 kids" ... "Will you get my son a job?" "why?" "he needs a job" "what does he do?" "he can do anything" "that's very vague, no, I can't get your son a job"... Unrelenting, as we get closer to my hotel, he asked " can you ask the hotel kitchen to make something for me to takeaway" "why? doesn't your wife cook for you?" "yes, but i'm not going home, i'm going to keep working" "well, then eat when u are home" "but I'm hungry now" "then you can walk into the hotel and eat there yourself" "but I don't have money" "I don't, either, I will not pay for your dinner"..."OK, have a good night"...no hard feelings.

As I exit Lagos at the airport, the immigration officer amuses themselves over my last name and the fact that I'm Chinese looking, but holds an American passport.  This happens EVERY time I go to Nigeria, so I play alone the typical script, joking with them respectfully.  Then the lady immigration officer asked "Do you have something for me?" "for what?" "for something to drink" "oh, no, I finished all my Naira since I'm leaving, maybe next time" "OK"...she stamps my passport and wished me a good trip back to Kenya.

What amazes me is (1) how commonplace and "normal" asking people (locals & expats) for "something" is in Nigeria, and (2) how well people take "no" for an answer!  With the upbringing of an Asian family, rejecting someone's request is always something that makes me feel very uncomfortable.  Well, first of all, Asians rarely ask people for anything as it is a sign of weakness/failure. (as in contrast with Africa, which thanks to the work of aid organizations and the missionaries, has turned into this big "asking" culture)  Secondly, if you don't want to do something for someone when asked, you usually hesitate and the other person will get the idea and back out.  However, that kind of subtlety just doesn't work in Nigeria, and I've learned to be pretty straightforward so nothing is left to the imagination.  No means no! For the most part, people just leave you alone after you said no and there's no uneasy feeling.

So tip for next time you're asked for a little "something" in Nigeria, after much research, the best response apparently is not to agree, and not to say no, but simply smile and say "I can't now, maybe next time..." and of course, there will always be a "next time" :-) and if you are feeling brave, you can ask, "do you have something for me to bring back home?" and see how they respond.

"Proper" address...

Went to Nyayo house in Nairobi to take care of my multiple business visa...this is our 5th or 6th visit...every time they tell us we need a new back up document even though they were not specified on the requirement before...so finally this time, I show my face, the lady look at my application probably for the 5th time...and she said, everything is OK, but your residential address (which I put down my California address, with the street number, name, state, and postal code, typical) is a problem...for example, if I want to get to your address, how do I get there?

In order to understand where this question even came from, one must understand, there's not a postal service that delivers mail in Kenya...everyone rents a PO box, and pick up their mail from the post office...so when you need to get to a physical address, usually it's provided by a series of unclear directions...like 500m pass Tusky's supermarket on X road OR on the 5th black gate on Y road pass Z shop directly across from ABC billboard...etc.

While I understand why she may be confused with my "physical address", I was annoyed by the fact that this is the first time after she's reviewed my application 5 times that she is bringing this up.  Also, the immigration officer at the Nairobi International Airport was fine with it, why is she picking bone with the address...Lastly, will she EVER need to visit my home in California?  Do I really need to write down, first, take flight from NBO to LAX, then take 101 highway to 91 highway, exit X road, then drive x miles...etc.?  Really?

You don't have cows in China?

Every time Elizabeth, the office cleaning lady, sees me drink tea, she always asks me..."why don't you take milk with your tea?"  and I always say, "I like my tea the way it is, no sugar, no milk, that's how Chinese people do it with our tea"... Today, she asked a follow up question..."so you don't have cows in China?"  cracks me up...

Reminds me of this TED talk by Sheena Iyengar on how the Japanese refused to give her sugar to go with her tea..I think one day Elizabeth will just make me a cup of tea with milk just so I can do it the "right" way..

The one with the fairest skin pays the bill?!

I met up with some friends I met in Kibera last time I was here to catch up and to talk about potential work we could do in Kibera together.  Tamasha, a local nyama choma (grilled meat, Kenya's national dish) joint was suggested as the meeting place.  It was the same place we had gone together last time, so I thought that was the reason even though I had some doubt in terms of whether it would be too expensive for them to eat at.  It was very nice to see them, they even brought another friend whom I have not met before...nonetheless, it was good fun.  I started picking up some clues when one of the guy asked for my permission to get another beer...I said something along the line of "why do you need my permission to drink beer?" He looked like he got my "hint", apologized, and didn't order another beer.  Usually for nyama choma, you pick your meat, and pay, then they grill and bring the food to you afterwards.  So when the bill came, the same guy said to me, we need to pay before they bring the food, and it's gonna be 3500 Kenyan schilling (roughly $35).  For 4 big guys and myself, that's not a bad deal, but I was annoyed because it was clear to me at this point that they expected a free meal out of me, picked a nice place, and even brought a friend along for the ride!   Do I have ATM written on my forehead?  I can count with one hand the number of times that I asserted myself so strongly, and this would be one of those times.  I explained nicely but firmly that I did not realized that they expected me to pay for everyone, and normally, in the US, since they are the ones invited me and picked the place, I should be expecting them to pay for my meal!  I also said that I do not understand where that expectation even came from, who do they think I am?  To avoid getting too awkward, we just blamed this on "cultural misunderstanding" and moved on, I was told that I should be careful if I eat with other Africans, because I have fair skin, they would expect me to pay, which is something I have not heard til that day.  So what about the meal?  I was told that none of them brought any money with them, which I found hard to believe but didn't push further, so I said I only have 2000 ksh with me, I'm willing to contribute that much, but they need to sort out the rest so we don't get arrested since the meat has already been prepared... apparently the 2000 ksh technically can only cover the beer they drank and maybe a chicken, but after the 2 guys went back to kitchen and "sorted things out", we miraculously end up getting everything we ordered on the table, plus another round of beer!  We went on chatting and had a good time, and I was not interested to find out how they are able to get all the food ...

The funny thing is, I don't really think they are bad guys or being deliberately malicious with me because of this. Having grown up in the slum and needing to hustle around, they probably developed this "skill/habit" to "make the most" out of every situation; foreigners are easy targets, and I am a foreigner...why not ask or try to take advantage when the worst thing that could happen is a "no"...so, in a way, it was easy for me to not take it personally...I still believe that integrity and strong character are not something only the "haves" can afford, but I definitely think it's harder to maintain them when life is hard and you're living in survival mode.

Being a mzungu in Kenya has its advantages, people are extremely polite to you, and cut you a lot of slacks when you do something stupid.  However, being a mzungu also means everyone assumes you have money, and a good number of those people are looking to get a piece of it.  It's very interesting how Kenyans do not distinguish between the East Asian, Indian, or Arab mzungus from the Caucasian mzungus...in their mind, it's simple, if you have fair skin, you belong to the same group, even though the ones coming from China or Arab world likely will be much less wealthy than the Europeans and Americans.   So, it's been a difficult challenge to make people understand that I am not making big bucks in my time in Kenya, and I do not expect to be taken to fancy places and will in fact be happier going to the cheap local joints and have a meal for 200ksh!  Even after I've drilled into people's head that I want to live my life here as "Kenyan" as possible vs. being "segregated" in the nice expat circles, I am still uncertain if they truly understand what I mean.  Maybe it's such a novel concept it'll take awhile to sink in.

After all, this weird foreigner-African dynamic has been played out for many many years that it's been ingrained so deep in the social psyche, how can I expect my simple, logical explanation to change that deep rooted intuitive beliefs?  The politeness and many other interactions bear strange resemblance to the colonial master-servant dynamic.  During colonial time, Africans were forced to European domination, and now, after independence, mzungus still seem superior, if you go out, you notice this distinct separation between African and the expats in the same venue, and the expats are guaranteed better service than the locals.  This weird inferiority complex justifies, in a way, for people to take advantage of mzungus...a bit of a pay back, I suppose...Even weirder is that this behavior often is rewarded, as many White tourists and aid organizations comes in, and just spreading money perhaps subconsciously they "feel bad" for these people, or for the injustice their ancestors have done to Africa?!  Ironically, such behavior only reinforces the dependent relationship between Africans and mzungus.  Despite of the political independence, I really question if the continent has won the war of psychological and social independence from the foreigners.

Perhaps the most brilliant and most destructive strategy the colonial settlers employed was destroying the local culture.  The sad thing is that because there are no written records of African culture as it is mostly passed down through generations of story-telling, once it is destroyed, it is so hard, if not impossible, to get it back.  So, after independence, how does a tribe find its identity and wisdom when there's no mechanism to recover their lost culture?  How do people find their own voice when for generations, the only voice they know is one of submission and slavery?   When someone doesn't know who he is, don't have a concrete culture he can be grounded in, how can he truly be free?  how can he feel proud about himself and his heritage?  how can he not feel the lingering sense of inferiority and perhaps some resentment?

Service/Assistance Fee vs. Bribery Explained

I've always been fascinated by the practice of bribery in some parts of the world.  Now I'm in Kenya, it's becoming a bigger part of my life than before, and I'm determined to figure out the art of bribing in this world where the practice is so commonplace yet anti-corruption activities are equally strong.  So, how does it work?

To start off, I was told there is a difference between bribing/corruption and bribing/paying a service/expedition fee.  In the situation where you need something done, for example, get your drivers license renewed, get a visa...etc.  If you don't pay a service fee, don't expect it to get done for months as the paperworks are piled from floor to ceiling and the people are not paid enough to be motivated to do a good job.  So, how do you motivate them?  Pay a little service/assistance fee.  This saves you days of waiting at the office and getting nothing accomplished.

How the service fee work is that when you go to the office, the clerk will pretty much tell you up front how much it will be if you want to get your thing done (unless you are a foreigner, then they may dance around a little bit, but eventually you'll know the price).  Then, the fee you pay is distributed to all the parties that is involved in approving something.  So in a way, everyone up and down the chain of comment honours this practice of "expedited service"...for example, if you would like to get a work permit (which is very difficult in Kenya), you may pay a little extra fee for assistance, everyone along the command chain get's paid, however, the most amazing part is, if the permit is denied at the end, then somehow, you'll get the money back from everybody.  I find this very endearing about Kenyans...these are already under the table money, yet, they are still honest enough to refund when a service is not complete. THAT is something.  You may ask, what about accounting and audits? how do you put these "service fees" that sometimes amounts to a few hundred dollars a pop on the book?  Don't worry, they will give you a receipt so it can legally be deducted from your admin cost center.

So then, what counts as corruption?   How it was explained to me is that if you got pulled over by the police for violating a traffic rule, and you bribe him to get out of trouble, then that's corruption.  If you pay someone to get a job offer, that's corruption.  Apparently corruption is not just local here, but has permeated into the United Nation and various large organizations.   The kind of things I've heard about these supposedly altruistic/honourable institutions have been just shocking...I think flat out corruption bugs me less than hypocracy I suppose.

I am a "bountiful cow"...

Last May during my visit to Maasai Mara, I was given a Maasai name "Nalepo" by the boys who guarded our camp.  It was explained to me that Nalepo means "the wealthy one", which make sense, because supposedly my friends got names that meant "the eager one (nashyoku)" and "the loved one (nashyopei)".

This September, the truth came out.  Our office night guard Silantoi is a Maasai, so I told him my Maasai name, he laughed, and I asked him, what does it mean?  Apparently, it means a bountiful cow...I suppose it's somewhat related to being full of wealth, except, I'm the one being milked vs. bringing in the milk!  No wonder there was a lot of giggle that night when the Maasai boys named us in the camp...

Now every morning, Silantoi greets me with my Maasai name...it doesn't feel so nice anymore...I want a new Maasai name...moooo~

Pastor Chris and the marriage ministry

Pastor Chris Ojigbani from Nigeria is in town this week!  He runs the Covenant of Single and Married Ministries that focus on getting the single ladies and man married and helping fix trouble marriages.  According to an interview done at the local radio station on the way to work, the guy used to be a business man, but one day, God spoke to him and told him he should focus his life on getting people married.  He believes that it's not devil's work that people are delaying getting married, but it's lack of knowledge or believing in the wrong things about marriage that's causing problems.  He holds big events in auditoriums and attracts thousands of people to come.  He was in Kenya last time and was surprised at the amount of single people here, so here he comes again.  A very interesting person, very passionate pastor, very interesting concept...the fact it's from Nigeria makes my "this could be a scam" antenna go up (sorry for the stereotype, my Nigerian friends), the guy seems nice, and I am curious about what he has to say, but I think I might just stick to a prayer from him...see below video (quite amusing), I'll let you know if I find a husband by the end of this week!

• Here's a prayer video for all my single friends...look at it and you shall find a spouse by the end of the week...pastor chris has said it and so shall it be!
• Pastor Chris' Facebook Page