Becoming faithful...

Back in December I made a post that discussed the difficulty I have as a person to take a leap of faith in "G-d".  After working in Africa for nearly 10 months now, while I'm still by no mean a super-duper religious person, I have to say that it has made me a person with slightly more faith than the girl that showed up in Nairobi 10 months ago.

I'm not sure when the transition occurred or how it happened, but I think it built over time with my growing sense of powerlessness.  The more I know about the world, the less "powerful" / competent I feel.  Firstly, when I walk out of the door, I'm not sure if I will make it home safely.  I've witnessed so many horrendous car crashes in my daily short 10-15 minute taxi ride to the office.  It occurred to me the other day that "I", have a very good chance of being one of those car crash victims given how crazy Nairobi drivers are.  Secondly, when I show up somewhere in a business trip, I never know if I'll come back to Nairobi smoothly.  Case in point, a couple months ago, I narrowly escaped being stuck in Mali during the coupe  because of some scheduling conflicts.  I was lucky.  Just as the last example, for the next Kenyan election, no one knows if the tragedy/post-election violence will repeat itself, and I am not sure what I would do if I get stuck in the middle of it.  Life is full of uncertainties, especially in Africa.  However, we cannot be paralyzed by all these frustrating, and sometimes dangerous uncertainties.  LIFE MUST GO ON.

Now I'm a bit more integrated into the lives here, I'm beginning to understand the overwhelming faith I observe in most Africans.  It's partly because people feel powerless.  The government and system cheats them on a consistent basis, and people are risking their lives everyday just to survive.  Religion is one of a few things in which Africans can seek refuge.  Unlike the government, Jesus is reliable (well, not to be irreverent, but this is probably because he's dead so no one can prove that he's not reliable, and also, if your wish wasn't granted by the All Mighty G-d, there's always some way one can justify internally why that was the case...in another word, since the unreliability of Jesus/G-d/Religion cannot be scientifically proven, this makes religion a better option than everything else that has been proven unreliable and corrupt).  Also, the salvation Christianity/Islam promises seems like a great deal at the end of a very hard life that could make it all worthwhile. Life is not fair, but justice will be served at the end!

I still don't agree with Mr. Zambia that people are fundamentally evil hence there's a need for G-d.  However, I've come to realize that there are SO MUCH out of my control in life, trying to manage everything will simply drive one insane.  So, when something isn't going the way I want it to be, I no longer try to "will" my way into it.  I started to "wish" things will get better because I am trying to do the right thing.  When I repeatedly have to reschedule my trip to Nigeria, first due to an accident on the run way, second time due to an unknown "technical" issue, I quietly whisper to myself that maybe a "higher power" intended for me to miss the trip for a few days so I could avoid some huge disaster.  When I am banging my head against the wall trying to make my Nigerian colleague to see how ridiculous certain business decisions are, I am secretly praying for a divine intervention that they can see the light before lose my sanity.  When the thought that "these people are hopeless and I should give up" sometimes enter my head, I make my humble request to that higher Being to inject more hope, passion, and energy in me so I can keep charging on.

Faith, is not so bad after all... it feels liberating and energizing...I highly recommend it!

Believe in Jesus and you'll even make a good wife!

On the flight to Nigeria, I met a guy from Zambia who's going there to worship.  We began our conversation initially because he noticed that I "prayed" before meal.  I got into a habit of giving thanks before eating a meal...I don't really say grace, but just sort of give thanks, without uttering any words out loud, appreciating the fact that I'm lucky enough to have food in front of me while many others don't.  So this guy asked me about it.  He asked, so who do you give thanks to?  Yourself? God? The chef? All of the above?  I guess I never got into that level of details when I give thanks, so that sparked further discussions.

I thought it was interesting that he has to go all the way from Zambia via Mozambique via Kenya to reach Nigeria to go to church (I assumed there are probably many churches in Zambia, and I didn't really consider Nigeria a pilgrimage destination), so I asked him more about it despite of a little voice inside me warning me that this may turn into one of those awkward conversations where I have to explain why I'm not a Christian, and how they then try to politely tell me I'm a lovely lady, but should really believe in God and get salvation through the power of Jesus.  Despite the occasional awkward moments in our conversation, there were some interesting things that came out during his subtle attempt to convert me into Christianity.

First was the challenge to surrender oneself to a higher power.  This is definitely a biggest personal challenge when it comes to spirituality.  I like being in control too much that surrendering myself to anyone is difficult, let alone to some being that has not quite yet proven reliable to me in a personal way.  I believe there is a supernatural power, may it be the spirits, God, or whatever...but whatever or whoever "IT" is, has remained purely an intellectual exercise...In general, I believe in karma, and believe that most of my accomplishment was the result of hard work, good planning, and lots of luck/help from others.  Without one of which probably I wouldn't have get to where I am today. That's a lot of pride, I know, and I suppose you could argue that the last element of luck may be what God has put in place to help me; but truly, if I did pray, but take no action/put in no hard work, would I still achieve the same result?  I believe not.  With that said, the message I have been given over and over again in Africa is that if I have faith, God will answer my prayers, just like that, and THAT leap of faith is just too hard to take because there's too much to lose if it doesn't work.  The risk is too big.

I suppose I have demonstrated the capability of having faith.  I have faith that a plane is going to successfully take me from Nairobi to Lagos, but that's because Kenya Airway has a good track record of doing that successfully.  I have faith that if I work hard, some positive results will happen since that has always been the case for me.  The truth is, I have not had many incidents where things just miraculously happen to me for God to be relevant enough in my day-to-day life, and frankly I would feel irresponsible to just throw God all the difficult problems in my life and expect Him to sort it out for me.  I mean, he probably has better things to do, like, fixing the economic crisis or the middle east conflict or something like that.  If I can sort something out, why bother God?

If you take answering prayer out of the discussion, then a main purpose of religion is to maintain social order.  So I asked the Zambian guy, if I'm a good person, why does it matter if I believe in Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad or anyone else?  He responded, how do you know you're good?  I guess that's a question I never asked myself.  I never thought I was "perfect", but I do believe I know "right" from "wrong" most of the time, and try to be a good person the best way I know how.  I recognize that sometimes my pride and laziness get the best of me when it comes to certain things...nonetheless, I never questioned or thought that I may be innately a "bad" person since I have not stolen, killed, cheated, do drug...etc.

This led us to a more fundamental question I think is maybe a key difference between why this guy and I believe or do not believe in Jesus/God - are human fundamentally good or evil?  (it's really quite amazing the kind of conversation that takes place on a plane ride with a complete stranger) I argued, if you believe people are fundamentally evil, then "God" will need to set the rules (i.e. 10 commandment...etc.) to discipline people and punish negative behaviors which give people pleasure (if they are inherently evil)...However, if you believe people are good in nature, then we inherently know what's good, and will feel awful if we do bad things...in this case then, "God" plays more of a role of a mentor who will provide support so we don't get confused in the face of various temptations to do bad things (and feel bad afterwards, kind of like the shitty feeling you get after a crazy night when you know you did stuff you shouldn't have done)...In the later case, you may argue, God's role is less critical if people have enough discipline.  I tend to believe people are generally good, which I suppose might be why whether God exist or not matters less to me.

I always find amusing the polite smile African gives a foreigner even when they intensely disagree with you.  That was the exact expression I got from Mr. Zambian.  He said to me, "I believe people are fundamentally evil, without God, the world will be like hell."  His statement shocked me back to reality, and highlighted the one thing I failed to recognize.  For me, life has been good, I have a lot of resource at my disposal so I can control my own destiny.  For him, life has been nothing but a series of unfortunate events, from both a national history and a personal survival stand point, he has so little resource and control over his life, if there is no God, what else can convince him that staying good pays off, and believe there will be justice?  I suppose that leap of faith helps a lot in hopeless situations...and it could be liberating to give that responsibility out to a higher being when one has so little control over his surroundings.  Maybe that is why people are more religious in more desperate situations...and maybe I should feel lucky for having the luxury of this intellectual/spiritual debate that I am having...

As we part, he said to me..."I really hope you will believe in Jesus one day, you might even make a good wife!" As much as I don't see the relevance between the two statements, I found it quite cute, and maybe, that's my path out of singleton, haha.