Being "nice" vs. being "a doormat"

During my first year in Africa, I have been told on several occasions that I am more accommodating than most expats.  One example is that I don't make a fuss if a driver is 10 minutes late or have a less than pristine car.  Service is EVERYWHERE in Nairobi, and basic service is pretty decent here as far as taxi...etc. small things go!  So technically, if someone is not prompt, there are many others waiting in line to serve and take my money.  I have been told by other expats that I shouldn't tolerate that, but I guess unless I really need to get somewhere, I didn't find a reason to make a big deal, well, except to assert "I'm the client, you're the service provider" power dynamic.  For whatever reason, I just haven't felt the need to do that!  I've dealt with way more difficult/annoying situations that a lot of things just seems pretty minor and tolerable at this point.  The only time I felt the need to assert myself was when I was in India and in Turkey because people are generally more aggressive and almost intruding into my personal space.  But in Kenya, I found most people very easy-going, and the people I work with are not really "lazy"...they may be joggling multiple jobs and could get caught in the horrible traffic on the way, but the tardiness usually was the result of poor planning (re: Africa time), not malicious intention to take advantage of me....at least, this was my impression...I could be wrong...and to me, while not ideal, those are fairly acceptable excuses.  Perhaps I have set my expectation too low...am I being "too" nice or not demanding enough?   I was warned that people will take advantage of your "niceness" if you let them, but somehow I just have trouble with anything that resembles a "master-servant" relationship... 

At what point does "being nice" turn into "being a doormat" and losing respect?

My more affluent African colleagues have advised that if you are being too "nice", the boss-subordinate relationship quickly becomes blurred, and trouble will soon follow as people quickly begin to believe they are indispensable...why else would you be so nice to them?   Once that mindset begin to take place, they start to show up late and slack off (because they know you won't reprehend them in any way)...it's a bit like disciplining a child, only that it's an adult that you're dealing with and the normal Western view is to treat them as equals, and assume they know what's "right" and what's "wrong"...

I think perhaps the later assumption of Africans (especially less educated ones) have the same definition of what's "right" and what's "wrong" as the "westerners" is erroneous.  Over the course of my time here, I've observed that what's right and what's wrong is actually a fairly fluid concept.  And for the most part, what's going to give me pleasure and pride now is the right thing.  For a taxi driver, it is "right" to rush between 2 jobs even if it means that one client could be waiting for long if traffic is bad (which it almost certainly will be) because this is the way to make more money.   For an employee, it is more "right" to sit in the office twiddling his/her thumbs vs. going out in the field and make things happen, because he gets paid the same anyway, so why put unnecessary strain to oneself?  Life is too short to be wasted on uncomfortable and un-glamorous work!

So when you think you're being "nice" and making compromises, perhaps that's not how others are perceiving it?  Maybe they think that's the norm?  And why is it so important that other recognize I'm being "nice" anyway?

I've learned that being nice or not, it's important to #1: set boundaries.  People become doormats when there is no boundaries.  I am OK when someone is late if I'm going somewhere on my own, but NOT when I'm going to a business meeting.  I make that clear and create huge drama when someone is late taking me to a business meeting just so the point is made.  #2: consistency is key.  Only through a consistent message can one create habit and drive behavioral change.  This is not the most flattering comparison, but it's kind of like training a dog! (after all, we're all creatures of habit).  With that said, the only way one CAN be consistent is when one has drawn a clear mental line of boundary and be serious about it, so point #1 is still most important.  #3: create meaningful consequences.  People will only take you seriously and change their behaviors when there are consequences.  Pure yelling can only get you so far.  Understand what people care about and what they cannot stand to lose is key to put in place a meaningful and effective consequence to drive the desired behavior.  I haven't done so well in #3, it's something that takes time & energy to figure out, and usually at the heat of the moment, figuring out what motivates someone isn't my number one priority, expressing my anger is.  But perhaps with better discipline and self-control, I can be more effective in this area!

Does polygamy promote happy marriage?

While in Senegal for a conference, I got pulled into perhaps not the most bizarre but certainly the most unexpected situation.  Being my first time in Dakar, I wanted to stay an extra day to explore the town.  My 40-or-so year old local translator was kind enough to offer his mom's home for 2 nights, so that I don't have to couchsurf with random people (which is a strange and unacceptable arrangement in his view).   I was under the impression that he had a wife back in Canada but has been since separated; he also talked about a girlfriend and how he's not ready to marry her yet.  To my surprise, when I showed up at his mom's apartment, I realized that he is married to a 24 year old lady.  She was super nice and has a very kind heart, but a few minutes into our meeting, I sense something is not right.  

"Oh, she's jealous" he said..."he thinks I want to take you as my 2nd wife." 

"OK, well, tell her that I'm not in the market to be anything but a first wife, so nothing to worry about."

"Yeah, I know, she's silly, I'll talk to her"

So after a number of "family meetings" between him, the wife, and his mom, the wife came out, continue to be cordial, and made me a lovely meal.

"See, isn't she nice? She loves me that's why she cooked you such a nice meal"

"Yeah, this is lovely, thank you so much!" .. the meal was indeed delicious, but I was feeling extremely awkward

Next day, further drama ensued... my entire tourist plan was overturned because she didn't want to join and it is scandalous to go alone with her husband.  So after much negotiation, I was allowed to go out on my own.  When I return in the evening, it's obvious some air need to be cleared.  

"I hope you feel better, I don't want to cause any trouble or misunderstanding, I'm not going to be your husband's 2nd wife... I have a boyfriend at home (lie)" I said

"No, it's OK, it's better that it's you vs. some Senegalese women, you guys should have gone w/o me!" she replied

"..." Why is this such a negotiation? Didn't I already declare that I'm NOT interested?

Next day, I asked my friend..."So, when do you plan on taking a 2nd wife? you just got married? Why is this topic on the mind so quickly?" ... "I will take a 2nd wife when you accept"... WHAT?! I thought we've made that cleared!  "You guys are clearly madly in love and can't get your hands off each other, why are you thinking about a 2nd wife so soon? (PS: I'm NOT interested)"  "Well, it's good to have that option open.  Sometimes woman bring trouble and if you have another option, they behave better, it's good for marriage.  Plus, I will have my wives live in separate places, so they can't fight or anything.  She doesn't have to see me when she's mad at me, and vice versa.  "

This is the 2nd time I've heard the argument that polygamy is "good for marriage".  First time in Kenya, this time in Senegal.  I suppose when polygamy is an option, people (the woman) are willing to "put up" with more and control their emotion better to delay the arrival of future wives and also to maintain a favorable status of the man.  In West Africa (unlike Kenya), the good thing is that the men also feel a strong sense of responsibility for their various wives, and are proud to be able to provide for as many wives as possible...It didn't seem like it's ONLY about having a prettier, younger lady toy to satisfy their needs and vanity...and the woman generally do seem pretty accepting of the tradition and genuinely happy.

Taking this home to the US, programs like the Sister Wives shows a similar picture.  Happy women, sharing a husband, respectfully...much more civilized than what one would see from The Real Housewives series. Sure, feelings of jealousy is there, but these women seem to deal with it much better and more maturely than the monogamous couples who have this endless fear of infidelity.

So I can't help but wonder, why do we (those who grew up in a western-minded society) believe polygamy is so bad?  Where did this idea of monogamy come from?  What social purpose does it fulfill (except perhaps population control and avoidance of inheritance disputes)?  Is monogamy a moral issue or are we simply following the social norm subconsciously?  

To my surprise, polygamy is actually more common than I had expected!  Anthropologists say 83 percent of societies permitted polygyny, and just 17 percent insisted on monogamous marriage.   According to the Ethnographic Atlas Codebook, of 1,231 societies noted, 186 were monogamous. 453 had occasional polygyny, 588 had more frequent polygyny, and 4 had polyandry.  So, those of us monogamous kind might actually consider a paradigm shift and re-evaluate the idea that monogamy is a more "advanced" or "superior" way of life, and perhaps begin to take a more open view of polygamy as a different way of life and a personal choice?  What do you think?

For a fun read, check out The Secret Lives of Baba Segi's Wive, a well-written, entertaining piece of work talking about the lives of a polygamous Nigerian family.

True love, African style...

My friend recently shared this funny article on Facebook... How to show Nigerian love | Daily Times Nigeria . While the article was written as a satire, it was pretty close to how most relationships work in Nigeria, and may I even dare to say, how relationships work in most of Africa.

Coming from the perspective of a fairly westernized woman, I find the respect & privileges African men enjoy from women in the society largely undeserved.  It is expected that women fulfill their traditional role of cooking and taking care of the children.  To me, that's fine  as long as there's some sort of fair division of labor in the household.  However, what I've observed is despite of the fact that women are taking up the house chores, the men are not necessarily expected to step up to their part and provide for the family!  I see plenty of Nigerian men who dresses well every morning but sits around doing nothing all day.  It's their wives that go out to find money for the family (in addition to their normal wifely duties of course).  These women get money from various odd jobs around, and some end up finding another "honey" that can provide for her (and her husband).  Whether this is a "fair" arrangement for the women or not aside, the phenomenon just seem to be completely contradictory to what one would expect from a deeply Christian society.  In fact, the standard and expectation for a man is so low that when an African woman finds a man who actually fulfill his so-called "duties", she seems to hang on to him so tight as though her life depend on it, and this man can now do whatever he wishes!  No matter how many other woman he is fooling around with, no matter what other naughty things he is doing, it seems as though as long as the man puts food on the table, pays his children's school fees, and (as a bonus) send the family for vacation every now and then, all sins can be forgiven / overlooked.  On the contrary, if a woman does not cook and make her men happy, she could be condemned by both men and women in the community.

During my time in Africa, I have been "propositioned" by a number of married men (sometimes even people I have an on-going professional relationship with).  They will outright tell you how much they love their family, their kids, and how nice a wife he has...BUT, he is still entitled to fool around.  And when I not-so-subtly rejected them, they don't really appear to feel bad about propositioning you to begin with. This was surprising for such a Christian society where supposedly "adultery" is condemned.  There seem to be a mental separation between sexual relationship, the marriage institution, and the obligations that is associated with being a husband / father.  OR could it be the result of generation and generations of polygamy, and this idea that men have "needs" and it's important that they are satisfied.  I wonder if the reason why society seem to accept extra marital affair / polygamy as "norm"?  Is it because the society is mainly run by men?  OR is it because of the difficulty for women to make a living independently that they default to their basic requirement of seeking a mate that can protect and provide thus have to put up with whatever comes with?  Perhaps marriage at the end of the day really serves a much more practical & economic purpose, and Hollywood actually did a disservice to the western society by creating the illusion that marriage is based on this "enduring one and only love", a false expectation that's bound to be disappointed?

Asa's Subway is one beautifully written song that exemplifies what many women feels when it comes to relationship

As a side note, it's quite interesting to see the spectrum of how women are treated across the world. On one extreme, you have situation like in Afghanistan, where women are treated like dirt and property.  In the middle, you have in Africa and parts of Asia, the quiet acceptance of male infidelity / dominance as described. And then on the other end of the spectrum, you have women in the US, who feel free to demand equal partnership, and can choose to walk away when things aren't fair.  It's curious though that we have not yet seen a situation where the women have gained so much power and starting to dominate / mistreat the men of the society.

Where's Home and What are You?

If you find this question difficult to answer, you may be a TCK (Third Culture Kid) or CCK (Cross Culture Kid).

I recently saw a video about TCK, and it became a language which expressed a lot of how I often feel as an individual.  I thought I should share this with those who have grown up in a multicultural environment (or is raising children in such environment) in case you may find some of these learning relevant and interesting as well.

So Where's Home? A Film About Third Culture Kid Identity

Here are some excerpts from Dr. Ruth E. Van Reken's book: Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds

TCKs are blessed with quite a few gifts:
1. Highly mobile and independent

2. Easily adaptable and keenly aware of his/her surrounding
3. Speak multiple language and ability to think "outside the box"
All of these traits can contribute greatly to TCK's success as an adult.

However, frequently uprooting oneself and resettling elsewhere also created some challenges for TCKs, as they often have:

1. Feeling of isolation or guardedness in forming close relationships: "for many TCKs, the pain of losing so many relationships in their lives results in a certain guardedness in future relationships. Consciously we long for the very intimacy we unconsciously run away from for fear of one more loss.  Positive independence can become isolation where we refuse to need others, likely for fear of losing them anyway in the end."

2. ”Itchy feet”…the rootless and restless syndrome. “There” is always better than “here”, also allows us to "run away" from forming close relationships

3. May not deal well with conflicts. It is always been easier to “outwait” them, knowing another move is soon coming, then to deal productively with them.

Sounds familiar?  Don't worry, there's a solution.  Van Reken (a TCK herself) discuss at length the important need for TCKs to have a process to deal with "grief", apparently this is the cause for a lot of the challenges mentioned above.  According to Van Reken, "each time we transition to a different environment, we experience a sense of loss because we (or the others) are leaving, even though the transition also involves the gain of what we will encounter on the other side. The main issue, however, isn’t the loss. That is part of life. But often our losses have not been validated (as the loss coming from a relative’s death might be validated) or we had no way that we knew of to deal with these losses as they happened. For that reason, the effects of them accrue. We can anesthetize ourselves to the conscious pain for quite awhile using the various responses we do but eventually they catch up with us. Meanwhile, our very reactions to try to avoid feeling this pain have often resulted in our pushing others away and we only increase our ultimate pain."  This is why, it's important to deal with those "losses" even if it has been a long time since.

For me, the biggest takeaway is that there are always two sides to a coin.  Having the opportunity to be exposed to different culture and developing a broader world view is definitely a blessing in my opinion; however, in exchange, we have to accept the certain "side effects" from the constant movement that allowed us to see the world.  As long as we recognize it, understand its root, and learn to accept / deal with it, we can live our lives to the fullest and get the best of both worlds!

Donation Update: First Graduating Class

Last week I celebrated my 31st birthday, and one of the best gift I got (ever) was witnessing the tremendous progress Kianda Vision Computer Center has made.  Since opening in mid-May, we now have 38 students enrolled in the 2 months program, and the first cohort has officially passed their exams and have received certificate from the center.

It's hard to believe how fast this project has progressed.  It is definitely beyond my wildest imagination that something like this could happen on a continent that is infamous for its inefficiency. Last August, money was raised for my birthday, by winter we picked a concept, in May we have a center built, and now we are impacting the lives of youths in the community on a daily basis!  We also have ambition to expand our space to accommodate more students by this winter.

Today we held an official graduation celebration for them.  Each one of them made a speech, thanking those who made this center possible.  These youths grow up in a very tough environment, without this project, they wouldn't have the ability to learn how to use a computer, and then use that skill to find jobs.  I wanted to share the speech from one of the students, Mercy Ogembo (apologies for the background noise and poor videotaping skill)

This absolutely wouldn't have happened without everyone who contributed money last year.  This is indeed a birthday gift that keeps on giving :)  On behalf of myself and all the students benefitted from the computer center, from the deepest part of our hearts, ASANTE SANA! (Swahili: Thank you very much!)

To support the expansion of the computer center, click on the link below:

It's not you, it's me!

Dear Africa,

I want to apologize for complaining about your inefficiencies and turning into such a micro-managers always breathing down your neck (yet still not achieving as much as I'd like).  This week, I realized -- the problem is not you, it's me.  I have failed to understand how you think, how you work, and how you are motivated so that I communicate in the manner you can relate/understand.  Specifically, 

• I show you the big picture and then immediately demand that you aggressively work towards achieving visible results; however, I did not take into consideration that what may seem like a small step based on my experience may actually be a big, scary leap for you. To feel confident to take action, you need to be shown the stepping stones to get to the other side, receive reassurance that it will be OK, and time to get comfortable; otherwise, you will feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.
• I expect you to connect the dots, think critically, and question existing conditions; however, I did not realize that it's not something you are accustomed to doing growing up.  I need to create opportunities where you can take leadership roles and be encouraged to do more than taking orders; only through actual experiences can you build confidence, become empowered, and appreciate your ability to influence your environment.
• I have been impatient and want to do everything NOW; however, time is what's required for new thoughts and habits to set in, and no amount of extra effort and push can substitute for time.  As Warren Buffet famously put, you can't have a baby in 1 month if you get 9 women pregnant.
• I get frustrated when you can't understand what I'm saying, without realizing the issue may actually be that I've failed to communicate clearly and simply.  It is not fair to expect you to have perfect English comprehension (or always think with logic), after all, I'm in your country, not the other way around.
• I did not understand that the solution to the problem may not always be a straight path with a clearly defined timeline, sometimes, it's important to put the players in their right position to help shape the situation into a favorable environment, wait for the perfect moment, then strike.
• I am quick to "tell you" the solution rather than allowing time, seeding ideas, and allowing you the time to think through the problem yourself.  I am so eager to tell you what I know that I forget what I know is irrelevant until it becomes what you know as well.  You deserve the time and this is the only way you can understand and truly absorb the knowledge.
• I expected focus to come intrinsically and have not taken the time to put down tight management routines and align the incentives.  These things are critical so you can be effective and be held accountable.
• I have not keep my radar up and look for patterns and irregularities so I can figure out a way to handle bad behaviors appropriately; this encourages continued corrupt practices, and I actually become a culprit (even if unknowingly)

We're going to interact a bit differently from now on so that hopefully thing will not be as frustrating for the both of us anymore.  Let's make the continent to a better place together.

Sincerely yours...

Lost In Translation

10 months later, I finally understood why I got a room of Nigerians balling uncontrollably during a training in Enugu after I shared a very serious (and hopefully inspiring) story about a farmer in Kano being able to improve his productivity with d.light lantern... No one told me the truth, but apparently "productivity" means "sexual productivity" around here.   At the time, my colleague just told me that they think I have a funny accent, but now the truth came out after I met a Taiwanese couple who have lived in Nigeria for a long time who broke it down for me!

While English is a common language in Nigeria, common people usually speak pidgin English, which despite of its English origin, it might as well be a different language.  I am constantly confused when I am dealing with blue collar Nigerians.  For example, if you ask someone "have you eaten?"...they'll answer "I don chop"...which, actually does not mean "I don't eat" (chop = eat), but means I have eaten (I guess maybe it came from I done chop)...SO, if I don't chop = I have eaten, then what's I have not eaten?  I have not eaten = "I never chop"...confused?  So am I!  Usually I'm pretty good with picking up languages, even Swahili is going OK...however, sadly, I don't really see the light at the end of the tunnel for this pidgin English business...I don't quite get the logic...yet...

Here are some examples of useful and some funny pidgin English, some courtesy of a post from matador network:

• How Bodi? / How You Dey? – How are you doing today?
• Wetin? – What?
• Abi Na Wetin - What is it this time?
• Na You Biko - You the man!
• Aba Made - Fake
• Abeg – Please, but usually not a repentant plea. Example – Abeg! No waste my time!; Which means Please! Don’t waste my time!
• Abi? – Isn’t it?
• Na so? – Is that so?
• Shak - drink
• Chop - eat 
• Bodi dey inside clothe - I'm surviving
• Eh eh - no
• Ah ah - for Goodness sake
• Dey go - keep going
• E - it is
• Fit - can
• Dey - is/am/are
• I no no – I don’t know
• I no sabi – I don’t understand
• I dey fine – I’m fine. I’m doing well.
• Wetin dey happen? – What’s going on? What’s happening?
• Wahala – Problem/Trouble. Example – Why you dey give me wahala? Which means why are you giving me so many problems?
• Comot! – Get out of here!
• Gi mi – Give it to me.
• I Wan Chop – I want to eat
• Come chop – Come and eat
• I no agree – I don’t agree, I disagree
• Vex – Upset. Example – Make you no vex me! ; Which means “Don’t upset me!”
• Dem send you? – Have you been sent to torment me? (I will likely be using this one frequently)
• Wayo – Trickery. Example – That man be wayo; which means “that man is a fraud!”
• Butta my bread – Answered prayers. Example – “God don butta my bread” which means God has answered my prayers
• Listen well well – Pay attention 
• Go slow – Traffic jam
• Enta voicemail - Stolen/Cannot be found (Enta = enter)
• Grammar - something confusing and just don't want to have any more of.  "e.g. that one you dey talk na grammar, I go still do wetin I wan do"

...and 2 of my favorites!

• Airforce 1 - flying witch (e.g. e girlfriend mama na airforce 1 = my girlfriend's mom is a flying witch)
• I go land you slap – I will slap you!

Other Resources:

• BabaWilly’s Dictionary of Pidgin English Words and Phrases
• Naija Lingo
• Naija Dictionary

Poverty is the Biggest Violation of Human Rights

They said children are the future, and for marketers, children are easier to mold and more open to new ideas.  Consequently for d.light, we're trying out something so that we can educate kids about our solar lanterns, in the hope that they will convince their parents through this early exposure and adopt it themselves when then get older.  As part of my effort to find out more about schools in Nigeria, I learned about the saddest social/religious practice during my recent trip to Nigeria - the Almajiri School.

The word ALMAJIRI emanated from the Arabic word “AL- MUHAJIRIN”, a concept that came as a result of Prophet Muhammed’s migration from Mecca to Medina, meaning the emigrant. An Almajiri is a person, who is sent out early in life in search of knowledge.  He become a pupil of a Quranic school under a teacher known as Mallam, and engages in daily begging for food in order to survive. Under this practice, poor families from rural areas across the 19 northern states and beyond send their children when they reach the age of 6 to Islamic boarding schools in the cities of northern Nigeria. Today, the word Almajiri has become nearly synonymous with child beggar, and is increasingly looked upon as a menace to society as many of these children become vagabonds or terrorists.

 

While I don't find the tradition of Almajiri problematic, similar idea exist in the Buddhist tradition where young monks will go around begging for alms, it's a way to feed these monks but also an opportunity for the community lay people to practice the virtue of generosity; however, what I find troublesome is how as times change, this tradition is becoming an easy place for abuse and exploitation.  In an ideal situation, the Almajiri schools and the community should provide enough emotional and material support for these children, but unfortunately, the level of support the Islamic tradition called for hasn't been there in most cases.  As a result, these children end up begging on the streets with no one to turn to.  Furthermore, with the high level of poverty, many of these kids did not leave home to become Allah's servant in their own will, they are sent away by their parents at an age as little as 3 because the parents cannot afford to feed them.

I don't know about others, but I was pretty useless when I was 6.  I cannot possibly imagine how scared, confused, and betrayed I would feel if all of a sudden I'm told that I need to go on the street and survive on my own!  In many cases, the so-called "Mallam" exploit the children and take the money they begged, and leave the children with very little.  THAT is child abuse or even child slavery in my book!  They are destined to live a life of poverty and destitute in this system.  


How can any child not feel abandoned and develop a sense of hatred towards society under these conditions?  With those deep rooted feeling of lost and betrayal, these children become the perfect candidates for terrorist groups like Boko Harem, who is spreading terror and paralyzing Nigeria as a nation at the moment.  When a child never experienced love and a sense of connection with another human being in life, picking up a gun or knife become quite an easy task and could potentially be the fastest way to feel "powerful" after a whole life on the street living without much dignity. This well explains why the young men in Boko Harem don't care about the fact that they are bombing/killing innocent people who follow the same Quranic verse as they do...why they don't care about the fact that they are paralyzing the agricultural sector that produce food that feeds the rest of the country, causing food price to skyrocket and more people to suffer in other parts of the country...Boko Harem doesn't seem to actually want anything besides creating chaos potentially in retribution to such an unfair lives they have been living this whole time!  


So there you can see a whole lifecycle of a potential terrorist (or child soldier in other parts of the world).  The outdated Almajiri system, which meant well, is totally abused due to extreme poverty and horrifying ignorance of the Northern communities.  There are very little things that make me feel sad, since I'm quite a hopeful person.  Usually I could find a tiny glimpse at the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel, and let that carry me through.  However, with these Almajiri, I feel nothing but sadness since I can't see a way out.  The entire system is so open for exploitation as the ones with power want to perpetuate it to their advantage and the poor either are too ignorant to see the problem or so dis-empowered to do anything.  There is no hope!  


In the mean time, the poor are popping more and more children out, which will only make the situation worse.  They don't understand family planning, and for many of them, their religion gives them an attitude that getting pregnant is God (or Allah)'s will so they shouldn't interfere.  So, do we tell them to stop having sex?  That's most definitely not going to happen...when you have so little, sex is their only way to experience a tiny bit of pleasure in life, how can one take that away from them?


To me, poverty is the biggest violation of human rights...there is no talk of "rights" or "dignity" when you are trapped in the poverty cycle.  You are forced to do whatever it takes to survive, and it's especially sad when vulnerable children is being forced into this type of situation every minute and second of the day.  


They said children are the future, but when I look at the children in Nigeria, I cannot help but feel hopeless.  Every time I visit a school in Nigeria, I am greeted by (literally) hundreds of innocent smile, each can lead the nation to a brighter future if they are given the opportunity.  However, after each fun school visits, I can't help but be reminded that each of these bright laughter at the end of the day, will really just represent another missed opportunity, another wasted soul, and another try at the game of life that leads to nothing.  Nigeria is growing to be the world's 3rd largest economy...it is scary to see that this is the future of the world's third largest economy.  Will my lantern really help these kids if they really just can't afford it?  For those who are at the bottom of the bottom, would a hand out be the hand up they need to get out of poverty? or would it really just further stripe away their dignity and perpetuate a system of dependency to foreign aid?  

It's official!

Nairobi has proven to be the quicksand that people said it is, and I am officially signed on to stay here for another few months until end of March, 2013!

This also mean that I had to officially resign from General Mills since the longest sabbatical I could take is 1 year.  The thought of leaving a safe, stable, enviable job in the US and officially jump off the corporate ladder was a bit nerve-wrecking.  What I am doing is completely against the "ideal career" I was taught to pursue growing up, but so far, no regrets!  :)

To be completely honest, when I saw the compensation package from d.light, my left brain screamed "this is a no brainer, go back to your 6 figure job, how can u live on this?"...for a while, I was sure that I will go back to Minneapolis and finally "settle down".  The gig in Africa was good while it lasted, but shifting from what I had to this new life would be too scary from a financial security stand point, regardless of how much I loved the work.

However, the morning I was suppose to announce my "I'm going back to the US after my fellowship" decision to d.light, I came across some notes I made from reading Mark Albion's book.  There was a quote that read "don't get really good at what you don't want to do"...and it really hit me.  Sure, I liked my old job and was learning a lot, but I love my new job and the new direction it will take me.  So, which job will give me the skills that's more relevant to what I'll want to dedicate my life doing?  The answer was pretty clear.  Once I figured that out, I spent the next few hours to work out a budget that is required for me to save money for retirement, meet my financial obligations back home, while still be able to live relatively comfortably in Nairobi.  To my surprise, while the paycut seemed drastic, it wasn't as impossible/scary as it seemed! After looking into the details and really try to find a way to make it work, the extra sum amount of money that I felt I "needed" turned out to be not so indispensable.  I guess the fear is rooted in the mind vs. in the reality after all!


This realization also reminded me of one of the most insightful advice I've been given. It was from an exiting marketing manager at General Mills for whom I have a lot of respect and admiration.  He was leaving GM to pursue his own start up in Asia. Just before he left, we had a nice chat, and I asked him, "what you're about to do is very risky, aren't you scared?" He answered "earning a paycheck is no less 'risky' than starting your own business, employers create a false sense of stability by giving you a paycheck every 2 weeks, but that paycheck can go away anytime, you could be fired or laid off at moment's notice, how 'secure' is that? It's not that different from losing your own business.  Moreover, the seemingly 'predictable' corporate career path also creates the illusion that you'll become more established and secure as you climb up the ladder; however, the reality is, the higher up you are, the more scared you become as the stake gets higher...so there is no end to this chase, think very carefully about what you want in life and don't get stuck in the system"  What he said made a big impact on me and his words stuck with me for a long time.  With the recent massive laid off at General Mills where some of my very intelligent, hardworking friends were impacted, it only proved his points more.  There's no such thing as job security in the corporate world, and life is truly too short to be doing something we don't love only because of our fear of the unknown.  If we set our minds to do something, and go about it in a smart way, I believe that we can achieve whatever it is that we want to do.  I have met many people here in Nairobi who has successfully done exactly that, and I pray that I can be as lucky as them one day as I begin this pursuit of my own.


So just as I've set some objectives at the beginning of my fellowship, I thought it would be appropriate to set some goals for the 2nd phase of my African adventure as well:

• Basics
• Stay alive, healthy & safe...  (I think this one will stay on the list for a while, heehee)
• Career
• Try and find a balanced pace and approach to move things forward without frustrating myself and the people I lead: coming from the American culture and organizations with highly competent teams, I often have high expectations and vision for rapid progress that my African colleagues may have trouble keeping up with.  I hope to use the next few month to find a balance between my own expectation and my approach in pushing people to be their best so that things get done while maintaining a harmonious relationship in the team
• Figure out where I would like to be after this post in d.light: now I'm officially off the corporate bandwagon, it'll take quite a bit of networking and soul-searching to figure out exactly where in this complicated international development/social entrepreneurship space that I will find most interesting and be able to make the most contribution
• Personal
• Be Able to converse in basic Swahili 
• Do more "artsy" things in Nairobi: Nairobi has a vibrant art scene that I'm just beginning to discover, with my new roommate being the creative type, I hope to explore this part of Kenya much more
• Community
• Get Kianda Vision Computer Center to a self-sustaining stage: this is one of few things I am so proud to have the opportunity to be a part of.  It seems to be on track and growing, and I'd love to help it get to a self-sustaining stage so we will be in a good shape to scale

32 Lessons...from Colipera

Re-posted from Colipera, a site that is a source of inspiration for me!

1. Be More Proud. Be More Accountable

Far too often we ride the middle chunk of the accountability bell curve. We are embarrassed when any bit of praise comes our way or we don’t know how to share our successes with those around us. Additionally, we never take full responsibility for our mistakes or errors. We tend to blame other people first or we remain in the safety of numbers by making sure that if we are going to be part of a mistake, we won’t be the only one under the spotlight.

We should be more proud of the things we accomplish and more responsible for the things we messed up on. Live on the outsides of the bell curve of accountability. The middle ground is where fake smiles, finger pointing, fear and judgement sit.

Get out of there. Run for the edges. Be accountable for you.

2. Your Inbox Is Not Your To-do List

Learning this fact changed my life. There is always something else to do. There is always another email to answer. There is always someone who wants something. But if you make someone else’s to do list (the email they sent to you) your to-do list, you’ll never get anywhere and you’ll never feel like you accomplished anything.

3. Autonomy Has To Be Balanced With Input; Together. Be Better

Sometimes you can’t get anything done until you buckle down, turn off your phone and go one-on-one with whatever it is you have to do. The danger in that is becoming too solitary, too autonomous, where you live in your own head, drowning in your own positive illusions. Be diligent with the things you want to do, but create time and space for interaction and input from those around you.That’s where breakthroughs happen. We are who we surround ourselves with.

4. There Are Better Stories In Failing

Your life would be a boring story if everything you did worked out just as you had planned. When you fail at something, you learn. We tend to work hardest and feel most happy when we are working on something that is just out of our reach. Just out of our reach means that in simply getting there, we are trying things that might not work. That is where the fun lies. A muscle can’t increase in size unless the muscle fibers tear via hard work. Growing is to tearing as learning is to failing.

Your story is forged through the canyons of choices that didn’t go the way you wanted them to. That’s why we want to hear you speak. That’s why we want to read your book. That’s what makes you human. That’s what makes you like everyone else. That’s what inspires us.

5. “Should” Is The Worst Word In The English Language

Get the word “should” out of your vocabulary. All there is in life is did or didn’t. That’s it. “Should” is a half commitment. It’s a cheeseburger with no cheese. It’s untied shoes. It’s a flat tire on a perfectly able bike. It’s potential wasted. It’s your quick fix to feel good about yourself because you are admitting what the right thing to do is. Just because you know what the right thing to do is, doesn’t mean you get to bask in the feeling of having done it. You should never say “should” again. Either do or don’t.

6. No One Cares More About Your Goals Than You Do

I used to think that people (friends, family, girls, whomever) would spend the same amount of time thinking about me, my life and what I was struggling with or working on as much as I was. New Flash: They don’t care. They are fighting their own fight. They are too tangled with their own journey to be able spend a second to think about mine. Stop wondering what everyone is thinking and instead, get after what ever it is you want to get after. You’ll get support when you’ve earned it.

7. Being Alive Is The Most Amazing Thing That Can Ever Be

Seriously. If you’re struggling with something one day, just take it all the way back to the fact that you’re inhaling and exhaling. You’re here now. Your chance still exists. It didn’t for billions of years before you and it won’t exist billions of year after you. But it exists now, in this flicker of chance. Let that be your limitless source of renewable energy. If you’re only focused on getting to some destination, you’ll miss the entire journey.

8. Never Apologize For Being Passionate

I used to feel a little guilty for saying the things I wanted, for having the dreams I had or for having to follow up with someone. I would sit there and say, “Ahhh, that person probably doesn’t like my email/phone call. I guess I shouldn’t follow up with them.”Bullshit. Follow up. (See #6. That person isn’t thinking about you.) No one ever said, “Gosh, this person is too passionate about this thing. I don’t want to talk with him.” Respect others, but do you, and don’t apologize for it.

9. Companies Will Choose Themselves Over You

According to the IRS, corporations are like human beings. So we can’t be surprised when a company’s self-preservation mode kicks in and they do what they think is best to protect their existence. That might mean getting rid of you without so much as a one-day notice. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t work hard for the company you work for, but always understand that they don’t need you for them to survive. Therefore, make sure you have it in your mind that you don’t need them for you to survive either.

10. Travel; Going Outside Your Comfort Zone Is What Expands Your Character

Nothing has influenced me more than getting out of my bubble. I realize I am extremely fortunate for being able to travel and see the world, but if the chance is yours to be had, take it. Seeing how other cultures live, seeing that there are worlds far different from yours, seeing that your way isn’t the only way teaches you empathy, understanding, and varying points of view. Traveling teaches you that you are but one blade of grass in an endless meadow: oh so unique, yet oh so alike.

11. A Smile Can Change Everything

As my mother once told me, “You never know when your smile might save someone’s life.” A genuine smile is always accepted. It’s contagious. It’s the acknowledgement that in that moment between you and another person, “I see you. I recognize you. I want to extend friendliness and joy to you, directly to you.” In that ever so brief of moment of a shared smile, you wholly matter. I see you, and what the heck…I hope this smile finds you well.

12. You Can’t Rush Experience

How-to books, top 10 lists, and the sort are all the craze. We’re trying to warp worlds, we’re looking for alternate routes, we’re trying to get over to the HOV lane of life. Of course there are ways to work smarter, but in the end, experience comes from actually doing something, tinkering for a certain period of time. It takes baby steps. “I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger” is completely absurd. If you knew then what you know now, no one would hang out with you because you wouldn’t be making any sense whatsoever. What you know now you got through experience. Feet have callouses, life has experience. It can’t be any other way. Enjoy not knowing things. Enjoy questioning. Enjoy the process of learning and discovering.

13. Comparisons Will Kill You; Define Your Own Success

Someone will always be faster, richer, younger, prettier or more talented than you. There was a wonder statement I heard recently:“The reason we struggle with self-confidence is that we compare everyone’s highlight reel with our behind the scenes.” Stop worrying about what you don’t have and instead, magnify and utilize the things you do have.

In the same vein, be sure to clarify to yourself what success would look like to you in any endeavor. Don’t let someone else’s expectations be the be the rung of the ladder that you are climbing to. If so, you might miss attainable contentment and fulfillment on your climb to prove something to someone.

14. Prepare More, Plan Less

We try so hard to control the exact results of things we haven’t done or experienced yet that we are so hard on ourselves when they don’t turn out exactly as we imagined they would. Instead, go in a relative direction and create short term goals/checkpoints that you can more or less manage. The rest is wholly and unequivocally out of your control, both in a beautiful and sometimes cruel way.  You won’t see every door along your path of life, so sometimes you just have to walk through the door and then tangential opportunities will present themselves. Hinging your happiness on a make believe point beyond the horizon is a dangerous game to play. Instead, focus on the nearest landmark. For me, I have 3 things I need to do a day. The rest is the rest.

15. Money Alone, Will Never Satisfy You

Understand that there is no amount of money that you can ever make where you will say, “Ok, now I’m happy.” Money comes and money goes. The question is, is the person experiencing these ebbs and flows happy with the person he is becoming? If money is your sole compass, then it will act like Homer’s Sirens, luring you into rocky waters.

16. Write Things Down

There are still times when I tell myself, “I’ll never forget this!” Then two minutes later I have no idea what I wasn’t going to forget. I don’t know how many business ideas or tasks that didn’t get completed when they should have because I was too proud to write things down. You will forget. Don’t waste mental energy remembering things you want to get done. Write it down and let your brain then focus on things that need its energy the most.

17. Exercise Or Die

I talked about this in detail in: A Letter From Your Life but, treat your body right. Get your heart pumping. It is the easiest way to keep yourself balanced mentally and physically. Oh and, don’t skip meals. There’s nothing noble about being so busy that you forgot to eat. In fact, I’m sure your body hates it when you do that.

18. You’ll Lose Friends Along The Way

Try as you may, but holding on to the idea that your friend from grade school will be your best friend for life, might not be the most productive thing you ever do. Understand that people change, circumstances change and friends will come and go. Always be a friend but don’t spend your life trying to stay friends with someone just to say you did. Everything has a natural cycle.

19. Dream But Don’t Daydream

While daydreams are important when it comes to creativity, you can’t daydream thought into action. Have hopes and dreams but understand that to realize those dreams, something in reality will have to be undertaken. There are 24 hours in a day. You need to eat and you need to sleep. The rest of that time is on you. Today is the youngest you will be for the rest of your life. Let’s do this.

20. Be Thankful, Don’t Feel Guilty

Why do I live in a 1st World country? Why do I get the chances to live an easier life? Why do I get clean water and the freedom to do as I wish? Don’t waste your time wondering why you have these random gifts, be thankful that you have them and try to live a life befitting of the gift. There is no time to feel guilty for it, only time to do something with it.

21. 80% Contentment

Things aren’t going to be perfect in life. You aren’t going to live in the best neighborhood, with the best friends, having the best job, with the best social life, and the best relationship at every turn. When I was younger, I thought I had to be 100% content to be fulfilled. I’ve slowly learned that 80% contentment, 4-out-of-5, is pretty damn good and that’s a more realistic level to shoot for. Just because something isn’t perfect in your life, doesn’t mean you can’t be thoroughly happy. Perfection is exhausting. Be careful chasing the unblemished life.

22. We All Want To Matter

One way or another, we want to matter to someone other than ourselves. When you’re younger you want to be like the people who have the biggest effect on the most people. As you get older you realize that there are people all around you, your spheres of influence, whom you can have a significant effect on. Focus on your spheres, no matter how small. Make them better. Your spheres will grow but what matters is not how many people you can influence but the quality of the influence you give.

23. There’s Time If You Want There To Be Time

You do have time. You have so much of it. You just have to be aware of how your minutes get used up on a daily basis. You want to get something done? How bad? Bad enough to not watch TV, surf the internet, go to Happy Hour? That choice is on you. Shrink the change by setting alarms, creating mini goals and living intentionally otherwise the hamster wheel will be your transportation du jour, every “jour”.

24. If You’re Not Scared, You’re Not Doing It Right

We can’t really progress unless we are pushing against the walls on the outer edges of our comfort zone. If we only did the things we already knew, we’d never get anywhere. Fear, apprehension and sweaty palms mean that you are probably about to learn something that you’ll never forget. Smile, and say hello to wisdom.

25. Someone’s Title Doesn’t Mean That They’re Smarter Than You

Just because someone has a prestigious title doesn’t mean that their opinion is worth more than yours on everything. Sure, some very worthy people have titles that they deserve, but there are plenty of people who have titles for political reasons or for reasons I still can’t seem to figure out. Don’t let someone’s title intimidate you just because of the title. They breathe just like you and I do.

26. Write Better E-mails

Learn how to write better emails and your life will change. Email is the communication tool of this day and age. Always remember that there is another human being on the other end of that “Send” button. Use her name. Say hello. Acknowledge that they are more than an electronic tool to answer your questions.

27. Things Don’t Happen For A Reason

In regards to your life, random things occur outside of them needing to have a reason. Things just happen. The question is, what are you going to after these things happen? That’s where you create reason and purpose. Saying “things happen for a reason” takes away accountability on your part of what led up to that event (didn’t get a job offer) or the accountability for your reaction to an event completely out of your control (a meteor hits your house). Find meaning in the actions you choose, not in the situations that life presents you with.

28. Your First Draft Is Never Very Good; He Who Iterates, Wins

First drafts are absurdly bad. Scripts aren’t written, they’re rewritten. If writing or creating, just get to a finish line, any finish line, no matter how decrepit, haggard, or in what direction it may be. You can go back and edit later. That book, article or TED talk you are enamored with didn’t look like that at its first go ‘round. Trust me.

29. When In Doubt, Ask

If you don’t know the answer to something and you can’t find it, ask someone. If you wonder what someone thinks or if you want to grab a coffee with someone, ask. It’s literally that simple. Don’t expect them to reach out to you just because you want them to. If the answer is no, then you find yourself in the exact same position as before you posed the question. Asking is a positive sum game.

30. Be Relatable

Degrees, skills, certifications, accolades and ability are obviously important in earning a living but I can tell you that from my own crazy path that understanding people, being present and empathetic has allowed me to connect, bond and relate in situations where I’ve been the outsider. Life is a shared existence. If people like being around you, they’ll want to have you around them more often. This goes for friends, lovers and employers.

31. Always Be Reading

Always be reading a book, even if you’re only reading 5-10 minutes a day. 10 minutes a day is an hour and ten minutes a week. At 300 words per minute, you’re reading 20,000 words a week. The average book is 70,000-150,000 words so you can read a book in 3-7 weeks by reading 10 minutes a day. Try to average a book a month. It will change your life.

    32. Be Brave

Be brave. The world needs to you to be.

Becoming faithful...

Back in December I made a post that discussed the difficulty I have as a person to take a leap of faith in "G-d".  After working in Africa for nearly 10 months now, while I'm still by no mean a super-duper religious person, I have to say that it has made me a person with slightly more faith than the girl that showed up in Nairobi 10 months ago.

I'm not sure when the transition occurred or how it happened, but I think it built over time with my growing sense of powerlessness.  The more I know about the world, the less "powerful" / competent I feel.  Firstly, when I walk out of the door, I'm not sure if I will make it home safely.  I've witnessed so many horrendous car crashes in my daily short 10-15 minute taxi ride to the office.  It occurred to me the other day that "I", have a very good chance of being one of those car crash victims given how crazy Nairobi drivers are.  Secondly, when I show up somewhere in a business trip, I never know if I'll come back to Nairobi smoothly.  Case in point, a couple months ago, I narrowly escaped being stuck in Mali during the coupe  because of some scheduling conflicts.  I was lucky.  Just as the last example, for the next Kenyan election, no one knows if the tragedy/post-election violence will repeat itself, and I am not sure what I would do if I get stuck in the middle of it.  Life is full of uncertainties, especially in Africa.  However, we cannot be paralyzed by all these frustrating, and sometimes dangerous uncertainties.  LIFE MUST GO ON.

Now I'm a bit more integrated into the lives here, I'm beginning to understand the overwhelming faith I observe in most Africans.  It's partly because people feel powerless.  The government and system cheats them on a consistent basis, and people are risking their lives everyday just to survive.  Religion is one of a few things in which Africans can seek refuge.  Unlike the government, Jesus is reliable (well, not to be irreverent, but this is probably because he's dead so no one can prove that he's not reliable, and also, if your wish wasn't granted by the All Mighty G-d, there's always some way one can justify internally why that was the case...in another word, since the unreliability of Jesus/G-d/Religion cannot be scientifically proven, this makes religion a better option than everything else that has been proven unreliable and corrupt).  Also, the salvation Christianity/Islam promises seems like a great deal at the end of a very hard life that could make it all worthwhile. Life is not fair, but justice will be served at the end!

I still don't agree with Mr. Zambia that people are fundamentally evil hence there's a need for G-d.  However, I've come to realize that there are SO MUCH out of my control in life, trying to manage everything will simply drive one insane.  So, when something isn't going the way I want it to be, I no longer try to "will" my way into it.  I started to "wish" things will get better because I am trying to do the right thing.  When I repeatedly have to reschedule my trip to Nigeria, first due to an accident on the run way, second time due to an unknown "technical" issue, I quietly whisper to myself that maybe a "higher power" intended for me to miss the trip for a few days so I could avoid some huge disaster.  When I am banging my head against the wall trying to make my Nigerian colleague to see how ridiculous certain business decisions are, I am secretly praying for a divine intervention that they can see the light before lose my sanity.  When the thought that "these people are hopeless and I should give up" sometimes enter my head, I make my humble request to that higher Being to inject more hope, passion, and energy in me so I can keep charging on.

Faith, is not so bad after all... it feels liberating and energizing...I highly recommend it!

Donation Update: Kianda Vision Computer Center is Now Open!

SO, IT FINALLY HAPPENED! With  much anticipation, Freddy & Wilfred officially opened the Kianda Vision Computer Center in Kibera in mid-May.  A HUGE THANKS to everyone who made donation to the project!  I actually never thought that this would happen so quickly (given how slow everything else is around Africa).  I can only say that my friend Freddy & Wilfred worked magic, and without his help, this would not have happened.

The location of the computer center is on the main street going into the community, hugely convenient and attention getting!  There are 7 computers, 2 teachers and 18 students, and am looking forward to getting more students!

We charge a small fee for the material and lessons to the students (far more affordable than their other options), in exchange, they get to take classes that enables them to learn data entry skills, understand how to use MS Office, and have a chance to get certified, which opens up many many job opportunities down the road along with a better future for themselves and their families.

Our goal is to cover the on-going costs (electricity, internet...etc.) with the small class fees so it can be a self-sustainable project.  However, we will actively look for big donations so we can use it to expand on the hardware (i.e expanding the classroom space, get more computers...etc.) and impact more lives.

To me, it's really quite amazing what $1400 can do in this part of the world.  For the price of a plane ticket from USA to Kenya (or one third of a Birkin bag), we were able to buy a place, remodel it, build furniture, get connected to the electricity/internet, and jumpstart the future of many youths in this community.  WHAT A GREAT DEAL!

The other amazing thing to me is the power of a community-based initiative.  Imagine donating $1400 to an aid organization, before it actually reaches the ground, 100's of dollars will be wasted on overhead...being used to pay people whose job is to figure out how to best spend the $1400, then spend more on contractors who will actually execute the project...so when it get down the project level, there's probably maybe only $700 left?  While it's better than nothing, but the ROI is peanuts!

 

 photos courtesy of my awesome friends Lin and Joop

I'm super excited about the future of this center, and hope to continue to get funds to expand it.  We are looking for donations on more computers, mouse, and printers (and of course, $ donation to help us expand the center).  Please contact me if you have any unwanted ones so I can carry them back with me after my US trip!


For those interested to learn more about Kibera, contact Freddy who also runs a slum tour.  See more info on their website 

Funny Names Nigerians Give to Their Children

Nigerian names are very interesting, and they never cease to amuse me...these are some names of people I've actually met

• Nice (who's that over there? That's Nice..ah, very NICE!)
• Gift
• Promise
• Blessing
• Innocent (What's your name, where were you when the murder occurred?  I'm Innocent, I'm innocent!)
• Bright (Hello, I'm bright!  well, let's see about that!...heehee)
• Goodluck (see Goodluck Jonathan, the current Nigerian president)
• Thankgod (name of one of my taxi driver, puts a whole new meaning to "ThankGod, You're here!")
• and...let's not forget  Sunday, Monday, Saturday

Do you have something for me?

"Do you have something for me?" is a phrase that I'm slowly getting used in Nigeria.  For my most recently trip, it feels as though I hear it as often as "how was your night" and "good morning, ma'am".

Upon arrival, I was stopped by the custom, he asks me what do I do, I said, "I'm trying to bring solar lantern to Nigerians", he said "Do you have a light for me?" I  politely explain "I don't bring product with me, we have product at XYZ shops in Lagos if you are interested in buying"...He then said, "OK, that's OK, I want to do business with you and make money", so I explain that I will take his contact and have someone call him.  Our entire conversation had probably 5% relevance to his day job as a custom officer, and 95% relevance to how he can get something out of this interaction.

Then comes the health inspector, wanting to check my yellow fever card, I show him my card, everything is set, he gave it back to me, and said "Do you have something for me?"... "No, I don't"... "OK, carry on"...this was easier than I thought it would be.

Then a couple days later, I hired a taxi to take me to a business meeting.  On the way back, during the 30-minute car ride, he asked me "Will you buy a car for me?" "No"... "Will you take me to America with me?" "no, and you shouldn't be asking me that because you have a wife and 5 kids" ... "Will you get my son a job?" "why?" "he needs a job" "what does he do?" "he can do anything" "that's very vague, no, I can't get your son a job"... Unrelenting, as we get closer to my hotel, he asked " can you ask the hotel kitchen to make something for me to takeaway" "why? doesn't your wife cook for you?" "yes, but i'm not going home, i'm going to keep working" "well, then eat when u are home" "but I'm hungry now" "then you can walk into the hotel and eat there yourself" "but I don't have money" "I don't, either, I will not pay for your dinner"..."OK, have a good night"...no hard feelings.

As I exit Lagos at the airport, the immigration officer amuses themselves over my last name and the fact that I'm Chinese looking, but holds an American passport.  This happens EVERY time I go to Nigeria, so I play alone the typical script, joking with them respectfully.  Then the lady immigration officer asked "Do you have something for me?" "for what?" "for something to drink" "oh, no, I finished all my Naira since I'm leaving, maybe next time" "OK"...she stamps my passport and wished me a good trip back to Kenya.

What amazes me is (1) how commonplace and "normal" asking people (locals & expats) for "something" is in Nigeria, and (2) how well people take "no" for an answer!  With the upbringing of an Asian family, rejecting someone's request is always something that makes me feel very uncomfortable.  Well, first of all, Asians rarely ask people for anything as it is a sign of weakness/failure. (as in contrast with Africa, which thanks to the work of aid organizations and the missionaries, has turned into this big "asking" culture)  Secondly, if you don't want to do something for someone when asked, you usually hesitate and the other person will get the idea and back out.  However, that kind of subtlety just doesn't work in Nigeria, and I've learned to be pretty straightforward so nothing is left to the imagination.  No means no! For the most part, people just leave you alone after you said no and there's no uneasy feeling.

So tip for next time you're asked for a little "something" in Nigeria, after much research, the best response apparently is not to agree, and not to say no, but simply smile and say "I can't now, maybe next time..." and of course, there will always be a "next time" :-) and if you are feeling brave, you can ask, "do you have something for me to bring back home?" and see how they respond.